God and insanity

I firmly believe there is no life after death. Death is final. It is just dust to dust and ashes to ashes. But the travails of life and of living have me on my knees bowing to any force above to help me redeem myself and reform my life.

My greatest fear is life as much as death. I used to fear being lost in insanity forever. But now I fear losing life without finding myself worthy of life or love. Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I am on lithium medication and have had quite a few episodes of insanity stretching from being months together to just a couple of days.  Each time I come out of the episodes with some memory intact. Even if I believe in God, I don’t believe in the devil. I can’t subscribe to a theory of a superior force being evil. A miracle makes you believe in good and in God.

But what of the memories I have of recent episodes that showed me little bad and inimical magic tricks to hinder me. I just can’t classify them as mere hallucinations when their residual effects are all around. Whatever it is I have to suppress it deep within myself. Accepting God to me might mean accepting insanity.

I have to start afresh after each episode. I end up in the start line halfway through the race. Can’t I not finish at least one race to call myself worthy of this life, worthy of love?

 

I believe I can triumph

I believe I can triumph over we,

but where and who am I,

ever fleeing, am I just a flea?

that won’t bite or die;

 

days lengthen and so do nights

go without toil,

while victors share the spoil,

I am lost in inner fights;

 

Do I have a place in the we

do I really belong any place at all

I ponder over nightly hours in the wee

without true pride is there no fall?

 

whatever I am is not for today,

may be tomorrow is my day.

 

They say fickle

They say fickle is fame

yet can’t extinguish the flame,

the fire within refuses to burn out,

runs out of bounds stout;

why bother about the million

when can’t enthral the numbered few,

ever a spectator in the pavilion

away from distant cries and hue;

lacking talent and even will

making myself a fool,

never ready for the kill

yet for fame my drool;

heard about poker billionaire

but what of a player like me in solitaire.

I wrote for me

I wrote for me

I wrote for her

wrote and wrote to be

without a care;

till the day came to pass

where my writing had to pause

without a comment or like

the pen went on a strike;

my motive is impure

that is for sure

I seek from her, a platitude

but she never gives any latitude;

I am not human but a tail wagging dog

seeking a pat or a bone through the fog.

A day like this

A day like this ended a year before
without cheer or much uproar,
it tore my heart even then
to be locked alone in this pen;
 
if love and romance is sweet nectar
being unloved and single is worse than tar,
a fact hammered down one’s throat
on each valentine’s day, a severe drought;

this day too shall pass like others,
yet the intense pain, none surpass;
as the day dawns, so does the truth
that forever alone will I be, uncouth;

yes, love transcends romance
but how and who will end my lonely dance.

 

La Belle Dame sans Merci: A Ballad by Keats

(A ballad by famous poet John Keats that even non poem lovers can enjoy)
O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
       Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has withered from the lake,
       And no birds sing.
O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
       So haggard and so woe-begone?
The squirrel’s granary is full,
       And the harvest’s done.
I see a lily on thy brow,
       With anguish moist and fever-dew,
And on thy cheeks a fading rose
       Fast withereth too.
I met a lady in the meads,
       Full beautiful—a faery’s child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
       And her eyes were wild.
I made a garland for her head,
       And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
She looked at me as she did love,
       And made sweet moan
I set her on my pacing steed,
       And nothing else saw all day long,
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
       A faery’s song.
She found me roots of relish sweet,
       And honey wild, and manna-dew,
And sure in language strange she said—
       ‘I love thee true’.
She took me to her Elfin grot,
       And there she wept and sighed full sore,
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
       With kisses four.
And there she lullèd me asleep,
       And there I dreamed—Ah! woe betide!—
The latest dream I ever dreamt
       On the cold hill side.
I saw pale kings and princes too,
       Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They cried—‘La Belle Dame sans Merci
       Thee hath in thrall!’
I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
       With horrid warning gapèd wide,
And I awoke and found me here,
       On the cold hill’s side.
And this is why I sojourn here,
       Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is withered from the lake,
       And no birds sing.
There are other posts in this blog that talk of other famous poems. Given below their links.
Enjoy reading.

Valentine’s day Special (14/02/18)

Today, on Valentine’s day, as I was hearing coincidentally the songs of the movie ‘Oru thalai raagam’, that literally means one sided music which is a euphemism for one sided love, the thought of this post, my favourites of romance in movies came about.

The movie ‘Love actually’ a collection of stories of romance that includes a one sided love too is easily the most favourite. The movie titled ‘Valentine’s day’ is also a collection of romance stories that is also equally riveting.

Julia Robert’s ‘Pretty woman’ and ‘Notting Hill’ are both great celebrations of love and romance.

Though the world loved ‘Titanic’ for it’s celebration of romance I loved ‘Brave Heart’ as an expression of love and freedom.

All romantic comedies from ‘Devil wears Prada’ to ’27 dresses’ and ‘2 weeks notice’ to ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’, ‘Jerry McGuire’ etc and from an ‘Affair to Remember’ to ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and ‘Sound of Music’ are all great celebrations of Romance. The ‘Object of my affection’ is also a nice romance movie.

‘Good Will Hunting’ and ‘As Good as it gets’ are also great romantic treatises while dealing with a dark or serious subjects. ‘Gone with the wind’ featuring Vivian Leigh and Clark Gable is a memorable movie of love and romance.

Hundreds of such memorable tributes to romance on celluloid can be cited. Yet I shall end here with a quote from another romantic movie ‘Beau Brummel’,

“It doesn’t matter how or where you end up but what is more important is how you have affected the hearts and souls of those around you.”