Today I don’t mourn my yesterday,
for I bury all weakness that was my past,
and thank it for showing me the way,
to fight for a better tomorrow at last;
what if the world wasn’t kind before?
how would it when I wasn’t kind to myself,
suck frustrations and blow it through the door,
who but me to place myself on a high shelf;
why worry as new days come and nights pass,
my dawn is surely right ahead in the next bend,
believe in it I must without a moment’s pause,
yet time to shed skin and with the world blend;
from today I vow to be my biggest fan,
to burn my old self and become a new man.
Why should I live?
I got nothing to give,
the end is near,
there is a fear;
my dreams withdrawn,
no hope for dawn,
why was I born?
my heart shredded and torn;
alone I wander,
the pain is no wonder,
dreams were my blunder,
seeking the lie, the thunder;
what to do? smells foul my rotting soul,
I must die for I am a man without a goal.
A bump in my road,
I took it in my stride,
a lump as my heart plowed,
couldn’t ignore as I seek a bride;
It is good to be single,
yet can’t take down,
the for sale sign to mingle,
shaming the town’s frown;
what is my life’s worth,
that I have nothing to show,
failures toss me back and forth,
am I to seek solace from another’s low;
need to change now, I’ve had my share of the fun,
yet no remnants from those beautiful days under the sun.
I am a nobody. This realisation happened to me recently as I gave up on my ambitions one by one. I gave up on my dreams of becoming a Tamil movie director a while back. I have a completed movie script with me as well as scores of ideas. I still grasped at wanting to be a writer writing english novels. A while back I gave up on that too, I have a finished novel and a few incomplete ones too. I won’t blame external factors alone for my failure as I realise I probably wasn’t fit enough or bestowed with talent needed to succeed and make it big. I have a restaurant that is yet to make profit. You can’t give up your dreams without grasping something else though that is what I did. My restaurant is where at least I must focus but there isn’t much to do with the Corona lockdown.
Being a nobody is acceptable to me. I am not craving for recognition but for utilisation so that people can benefit from my living as so far I have benefited from the world and given zilch in return. I am the absolute worthless nobody. I am a single who has recently, very lately, hung the ‘For Sale’ board in the arranged marriage market. I knew romance once and it is enough, I now crave kids and a family. Finding a bride for me is proving to be tough at thirty eight. I have nothing to live for as I stand. I want to benefit at least a few before I die. What is in my hands is nothing.
This blog with three hundred odd followers and averaging three to four likes is not going to cut it. Not only because it is meagre but also because of its demographics. The crowd here has few Indians and absolutely no Tamilians as far as I know. I want to connect locally, to be used for a greater cause. I am a classic rebel without a cause. The cosmos better send some cause for me soon for I fear I will end without use even after several more years have passed. I have something to give with no takers and that worthless feeling is horrible. Given my personal situation having no hopes of improving soon I felt like putting myself forward. This blog having been a personal blog for so long with so many of my so called poems I can’t change it or use it now in another direction or can I? I have some ideas for changes in the world and concretely in my home state Tamil Nadu.
A few posts won’t cut it. I must live a life of commitment and dedication to benefit others. I am a nobody and will the world guide me to become somebody that is utilised at least partly?
I am like you, a bit less for not striving to reach my potential. But this isn’t about me. I strive to understand any opposition as they come from some place sincere or even if they be other cynical justifications. In the south of India Hindu and Hindutva are not just polar opposites but are enemies. I understand the space for hindutva too and where it comes from unlike some liberal Hindus who treat hindutva as an abomination. Hinduism and Islam have thrived alongside thousands of years and will continue to do so even if it be with Hindutva on the side. This subject is connected to this very blog. It was the demolition of the Babri mosque and the killings that followed that spurred me, then a ten year old kid, to write his first verses. Two decades have passed even as the stigma of its aftermath linger on. Let others worry over what has been done. Has anyone passed to consider what could be done. I am not stating or proposing anything new but only voicing the thoughts of the moderates. Let there be a temple and masjid in the town while the disputed land having recreated in to a place for religious unity and national integration. The generation next has shown me its power with reinstating Jallikattu on a spontaneous whim. Someone spread the word and make true what is in the hearts of a majority of Indians to transform the disputed land now the responsibility of a government controlled trust in to a symbol of integration and build a mosque and temple side by side in the same town. Let there be even a mere empty space, a symbol of the travails withstood to let love win at last. This is mere wishful thinking. Let the gods above and humans below make it true.