I am a nobody. This realisation happened to me recently as I gave up on my ambitions one by one. I gave up on my dreams of becoming a Tamil movie director a while back. I have a completed movie script with me as well as scores of ideas. I still grasped at wanting to be a writer writing english novels. A while back I gave up on that too, I have a finished novel and a few incomplete ones too. I won’t blame external factors alone for my failure as I realise I probably wasn’t fit enough or bestowed with talent needed to succeed and make it big. I have a restaurant that is yet to make profit. You can’t give up your dreams without grasping something else though that is what I did. My restaurant is where at least I must focus but there isn’t much to do with the Corona lockdown.
Being a nobody is acceptable to me. I am not craving for recognition but for utilisation so that people can benefit from my living as so far I have benefited from the world and given zilch in return. I am the absolute worthless nobody. I am a single who has recently, very lately, hung the ‘For Sale’ board in the arranged marriage market. I knew romance once and it is enough, I now crave kids and a family. Finding a bride for me is proving to be tough at thirty eight. I have nothing to live for as I stand. I want to benefit at least a few before I die. What is in my hands is nothing.
This blog with three hundred odd followers and averaging three to four likes is not going to cut it. Not only because it is meagre but also because of its demographics. The crowd here has few Indians and absolutely no Tamilians as far as I know. I want to connect locally, to be used for a greater cause. I am a classic rebel without a cause. The cosmos better send some cause for me soon for I fear I will end without use even after several more years have passed. I have something to give with no takers and that worthless feeling is horrible. Given my personal situation having no hopes of improving soon I felt like putting myself forward. This blog having been a personal blog for so long with so many of my so called poems I can’t change it or use it now in another direction or can I? I have some ideas for changes in the world and concretely in my home state Tamil Nadu.
A few posts won’t cut it. I must live a life of commitment and dedication to benefit others. I am a nobody and will the world guide me to become somebody that is utilised at least partly?