Different Shopaholic

Unlike others who splurge for extra on dress and makeup or the men on their cars or bicycles, I crave differently.

I wear the same clothes for may be a year. Cigarettes are compulsory for me. Yet as an occasional shoppaholic I bought too many books, a guitar.paint accessories, a midi keyboard and a DSLR camera. The last one is what I am pining my hopes on.

To read all books bought and to master these skills will take a long time. Yet it doesn’t matter. Earning money in some way and learning these things will give me soul satisfaction.

I hope to earn money in the tinsel town of tamilnadu Chennai.

Is being a shoppaholic bad?

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I am not poor socially, may be I was. I am at the top of the cool pyramid, when people are around, I supply laughter. What I am poor is at social networking, I am not one to pick up the phone and chat aimlessly, or visit someone or someplace and be updated on others life events, in short I lack the caring that makes others endearing. I care for the moment, all I could do is may be supply a few laughs or settle the bill for an outing. I don’t seek others and give no reason for them to seek me either.

I am an introvert who crossed over long back. If I hadn’t may be I might have landed good grades and a decent job. It is for the best, I am the happiest for it, it has brought me close to my true passion. I’ve decided to pick a couple of hobbies photography, music for the sole reason to supplement my writing and fill the solitude that might be an aspect of life for some time to come.

I am going to hone and learn additional skill sets required to pursue my passion in the year ahead. Ironically skills are just a part and networking is the major component to succeed in my endeavor like any other. I intend to try and build at least a poor ensemble of online social networking. The contacts that matter for my chosen profession lie ahead. I am the king of the moment and I intend to seize it and not let it pass. In addition to honing my creative skills, I intend to focus on the business angle of the endeavor completely too. I have an edge in that sphere, through education and experience.

I intend not to have any commitments till I fulfill my mission. I hope to complete it within two years.

I intend to make a film of any kind and earn a decent sum out of it.

Not a world changing intention, but a life changing intention, for it was this that brought my life crashing down, and now I realize this is the only way I know, the only way ahead. In the end all will be made well only by undertaking that tedious journey that was once abandoned. As someone recently pointed, it is living life to the fullest and not success or failure that ultimately matters. For even a successful man will have many regrets but the one who lived completely giving his best shall not have a single regret as he closes his eyes.

Missed Bus

(seeing a short story in the blog, I wanted to try one while in travel and to make it fun for me I will try not to think beforehand and let words flow without form or purpose)

The bus slowly dragged along the clogged streets of the wretched city that once again let him down in that god awful interview. The same question, why did you leave your previous job and why such a long break. The same evasive replies that as usual got him nowhere. The bus picked up speed rocking him back and forth. It suddenly lurched throwing him against the roof and his bag was thrown down hard. Story of his life.

He had a small bladder a doc once said. What ever it was he had a difficulty holding it in, and now he needed to go very badly. The story couldn’t get any sorrier. But he wasn’t his old cringing crybaby self anymore. He had grown up, he had toughened, one little thing had made that happen, his daughter.

Right when he thought he couldn’t take anymore, the bus stopped at a hotel for a break. He got down, stretched his legs and after taking care of his urgent need, he came out and lit up a cigarette. His wife was the rock of the family. It was on her earnings that the family ran. She had become demeaning in her behavior towards him. They used to have a lot of fights. Nowadays he grudgingly had began to do as she says, all for the sake of his daughter. He also had to admit that she a woman, has taken the role of provider of the family while he could do nothing.

He was too lost in his thoughts that he had ended up smoking one too many a cigarette. Gathering himself, he went in search of his bus, only to find that it had left without him. He wasn’t worried about his bag, he can collect it from the travel office later. But he had to reach
his home by tomorrow. It was his daughter’s birthday. Her 8th birthday. The gift he had so carefully bought her was in his bag. But it didn’t matter, he can get one later in his hometown.

He enquired in the hotel if any other bus would stop by and got a negative reply. Yet he was told that if he could somehow go to the next town, then he could get buses to his hometown or he could stay at their hotel and travel the next day. He went to the highway in hope of hitching a ride to the next town. He had already missed the last three of his daughter’s birthdays. He didn’t consider himself an alcoholic but he had lost wonderful time with family and a job because of the party life. The job. He had to find a job soon. Not to gain prestige from society, not to escape the cribbing from his wife, but if his daughter is not to experience hardships he faced then more money is needed.

After lots of accusing glares by people inside the cars and outside on the road my patience was rewarded as a family finally stopped taking pity on me. I got in the front seat and in the back were the gentleman’s wife and cute daughter. I told them the story of how I missed my bus and am going to see my daughter. We laughed heartily. On hearing that I was looking for a job he offered a job in his firm saying it might not be up to my standards but the pay was good. I thanked him profusely. He said they had money but no child for a long time before their daughter came along and made them realize that love and not money is important in the world. They dropped me by a fork in the road saying the bus stand is right ahead and they had to take that turn.

I thanked them and started walking thinking of what gift to buy for my daughter. Suddenly from behind a tree jumped a man with a knife. He asked for my wallet, watch and chain. Today I was in no mood to take on this vagrant, even otherwise I don’t think I am man enough, to take him on, hell I was not even the man in my family. Seeing me hesitate, he also hesitated, then with a resolve shouted, “if you don’t give it I will kill you, its for my daughter man, tomorrow’s her birthday, I got no money to get her anything man, just give some money, you keep the wallet and chain”

At that moment a police patrol Jeep passing, stopped seeing us. The guy in fear grabbed me and held the knife to my neck. But he was such an amateur that he gave them a clear shot and the officer took it. After checking they pronounced him dead. They escorted me to the bus stand and helped me board the bus.

On reaching my hometown, I was in a real rush as I was already very late and forgot to get any gift. I realized it only as I was pressing the doorbell of my house. The door opened and standing in the doorway was my wife and behind her my daughter. My wife glared at me and started a tirade on how I was late and had come without a gift. My wife was scolding thus, but I don’t know what came over me, I hugged her, then my daughter and started crying. At that moment I realized that the greatest gift I can give my wife and daughter was being alive and being with them.

Busybodies

I came pausing a movie I was watching when I remembered I hadn’t returned the favor of some one having visited my blog. I care two hoots about visiting other pages is the truth, I read in my own time and wish. This was different, this friend had an issue, we all do, his is called alcoholism, so if my reading and liking is a help, by all means. The busybodies of the world have no time for even polite chat. May be it is true that the alcoholics and others claim too much time from these busybodies that they’re exhausted. Just remember the table is always spinning and anyone can be at anyplace so just act accordingly.

Living Outside Ourselves

All of us are unique and yet at the same time are part of a bigger stereo type. We often find ourselves unable to do what others do so effortlessly. Yet again we so simply do things beyond the grasp of others.

Life is about simple things. I have had a realization that why break the walls when all you have to do is step out through the door. I have wanted to do a lot many things, especially in the creative sphere from writing to music. It is good, but I never ventured out to do the simple things that every one else is doing. The blogs I see make me want to do a few things.

1. Travel

I used to muse on losing myself alone in new places. Now the wise me wants a flexible, economic tour package, in a group, inside my own country that would more than suffice.

2. Fitness and outdoor sport

I don’t want a six pack; but some regular exercise, a bit of healthy diet and weaning some bad habits would do good. I want to involve at least in one outdoor sport regularly. Of course means joining some club. 

3. Food and Conversation

I need to try out food that others find good and also be on page on current affairs and other topics of interest.

4. Networking and staying connected

This is one skill that I am in dire need of, but have  no clue how. If only bloggers gave me valuable inputs regarding this. Yet this too should be done.

5. Earning livelihood

Yes, there are commitments of a course that wouldn’t let a full time or even part time job. Yet too old to be a dependent, have been too long a dependent, must find a way to earn online.

These are very simple things for most of you. But there must be some things simple for me, that aren’t so for you. Hmm say, defying a cop or a thug and asking him to go to hell, standing firm in your moral righteousness.

In the end, being ourselves is good, but being like the greater crowd, is also good, for we all belong to the very same well spring. Yet, losing one’s morals, identity to be corrupted, isn’t part  of this experience.

Now I am going to work on these 5 topics mentioned. If I come across anything worthy of sharing on these, I will come back to you with the wisdom of the full learning curve of a novice. Do set your goals and try living outside yourselves, it might be lots of fun. It is never late to change ourselves and make a fresh start, even in our deathbeds we can have a change of heart.

Quote challenge

Thank you amalkoblog.wordpress.com for nominating me to the quote challenge and making me feel accepted and part of this blogging community.

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To put these quotes in a simple sentence, find yourself, be yourself and stay the path. In reality it may not be as simple as the words seem, yet it is the only true way to live.

I hereby nominate the following for 3 day quote challenge: writeshefali.wordpress.com, poemsbyarti.wordpress.com, khushbuwrites.wordpress.com

Rules: 1) Thank the person who nominated you. 2)Post 1-3 quotes every day for three consecutive days. 3) Nominate three other people each day.

Happy blogging !!

Capitalism, fairest of all.

What does America stand for? What is our American dream? (am Indian, what a chameleon)

Washington, Jefferson, Emerson and other forefathers on whose thoughts the union came about was built on individual liberty and freedom of enterprise. A different thought arose with other nations and died with time. Now the capitalistic thought echoed by Nietzsche and strengthened and spread by Rand is the only theory standing.

As people become tyrants with time so do concepts get corrupted and touted wrongly by its champions to become tyrants in newer times.

At the time of the great depression Keynesian economics worked gradual wonder in the form of big public projects and money pumped into the hands of the common man who in turn revived the economy. This isn’t a fall out of capitalism.

All those sipping coffee in the canteens of MBA grad houses discussing politics and economics, have you wondered of other things.

Why was and where has gone the hippie generation. Oh! there are always some streakers around, but why paint peace on their body and stand before the Capitol. What is the reason.

Yes we may have a lot of psychotic reasons to do such crazy things. Don’t you?

Money, pent house or even better lifestyle for your asthmatic mom may be your motivation, we look only at what you stand for, industry, and we respect you for that.

Dare to look beyond the façade of protesters and look at what we stand for, fairness. Fair chance, fair competition and a fair fight if it had to be that. Fair chance for the third world countries, fair chance for the less moneyed and unconnected right here in America, may be some day a fair world.

In the 2008, hundreds of billions of dollars in the bill to help the sinking banking sector, passed on to redeem dubious investments of the big businesses, especially these minimum utility high paid paper pushers. The increased taxes fell on the fair players. This was the 5th time the government had to finance private players. Salomon brothers the biggest of the bailed out has then been in a scandal where it has hidden loss figures of dubious firms making America a laughing stock across the world. I don’t want to make ignorant comments on this. But this wasn’t what Rand envisaged.

In effect a perfect scratch back system is in place, you scratch mine and I scratch yours and the rest discarded. They call this capitalism now. Then may be the time has come to end it or reinvent it.

What have I done?

The famous american president Kennedy said “Ask not what the nation has did for you, ask rather what you have done for it.”

What have I done?

Nothing.

I sure have benefited a lot from the corporate entities and various body polity that I so easily criticize.

The society has so industriously provided for all my wants, and in accusing glares and satire ask me, where were you when our children were learning and why are you like this. I got no answers.

The loving ones whose money made my survival possible, my friends and peers say we are sweating, we have moved on, and ask me subtly or directly what have you done and why are you thus.

The caregivers near me accuse me truthfully have you ever lifted your finger, ever taken a pebble away to ease the path of another. Life may not be about money to dream walkers yet the thick skulled should realize it is about work. Leave alone work, have you ever acted or forgone little things for the sake of those you love. You are a burden unto society and yourself. What have you done and why are you thus.

I had no answers and cowing inside I would bristle with anger on the outside. Now I have a realization.

I might not have done anything but I am waiting for what I will do. 

I am not going to do wonders, but if in the end on a dark desolate highway I bring cheer to a starving puppy, my life would have been done. This is escapism, some would say, he types words without action, a management student would quickly point the cost benefit ratio isn’t right, after all society invested in him, what a waste. This isn’t what I want to do, but just pointed that I am prepared for this too.

What I want to do or rather be part of is concrete reality requiring concrete continuous action, that I seek to figuratively express through words. Yes metaphorically.

The boat landed on the shore, a few of the industrious young got down and me too. In the crossing here, our parents rowed, in midstream my peers took over relieving them, not me, I ran hither and thither making the boat stumble, tried a paddle, one here and there, all borne for my parents, when they were feeble, others took the rows, for the wealth of hidden markers they had. Markers are the system the boat ran. Now as people young and old were hauled into the boat by the industrious few, I stood aloof gazing, not moving a finger. Yet when it was time for the final haul, all cried for me to get within. Please come inside they begged in good spirit.

They said you’ll never know life until you row across rivers of your own. We travel the ocean yet fighting for rivers our own. We’ll never accept claim of outsider, nor allow him to share the fruit of love, so get in or get lost forever.

I said yes I am an outsider, yet you’ve forgotten that one is needed to push the boat along in forward journey, else all of you’ll remain here forever stagnant and slowly decaying. A final push is needed from one who’ll stay here forever alone, and maybe that’s why neither mind not limb of mine ever knew tiredness. Here go yonder.

Please don’t judge what I was, what I am and what I will be, for I was never part of you, yet you fed me, and you could never save me yet I saved you. For I may be deaf to human call from this shore but still can reminisce what pass my truths in dream or wise sense.

What have I done? Nothing.

What will I do? Push the boat ahead while staying my ground and hope the onward journey isn’t blurred by thoughts of me cast aside on this shore.

I’ve enjoyed the journey and so shall I this solitude imposed upon me. My very last breath is on reason of those aloft the boat and shall stay for their happiness as I depart.

What have I done?

Dreamed

What will I do?

Make it reality.

Walking away

As I was reading Che Guevara’s motor cycle diaries I came across a poem by Otero Silva, that reflects my state of mind. That was an era when such people were common. Today such folks would be branded idiots and shunned down upon. Below the poem.

I heard splashing on the boat
her bare feet
And sensed in our faces
the hungry dusk
My heart swaying between her
and the street, the road
I don’t know where I found the strength
to free myself from her eyes
to slip from her arms
She stayed, crying through rain and glass
clouded with grief and tears
she stayed, unable to cry
Wait I will come
walking with you.

Complete wish list

The phrase bucket list stands for the final wish list as derived from the phrase kicking the bucket which means death. Now it is used as any wish list, summer, winter etc without association to the final wish.

Whatever it is, my blogs, expression of myself are getting angry and morose. I intend to reflect other things equally. Here is the complete wish list of my life, fulfilled or not, from baby self to death.

As a baby child

Clung to my mom and wished those strangers would leave me again into the hands of my mom.

As a child

Clung to the folds of the saree of my mom, while wishing those strangers would seek me out and talk to me instead; of my brother.

As a teen

Wished the girls flocking my dad and brother would turn to me too. Wished girls would overcome superficiality to admire innate qualities.

As a youth

Rebel, have lots of fun with loads of friends and the greatest of guts.

As an adult

Financial independence in form of a job, pinnacle of success taking the unbeaten track.
(This never happened and may be why many don’t accept me as an adult)

A true romance, some girl to say she loves me true.
(This happened yet as solace, may be not whom I seek)

At present

Seeking a place in the creative field and maybe postpone the marriage forced by my loved ones. In short seeking a position to give me freedom I never had.

Future

To do something creative; documentary or something online, or directly, to foster change : to transform political governance and structure of big businesses. To see an upliftment of the current level of the proletariat.

Bucket wish

Die young, a fantasy is to die by gunfire, a bullet that Gandhi, Lincoln and Che Guevara had.