God and insanity

I firmly believe there is no life after death. Death is final. It is just dust to dust and ashes to ashes. But the travails of life and of living have me on my knees bowing to any force above to help me redeem myself and reform my life.

My greatest fear is life as much as death. I used to fear being lost in insanity forever. But now I fear losing life without finding myself worthy of life or love. Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I am on lithium medication and have had quite a few episodes of insanity stretching from being months together to just a couple of days.  Each time I come out of the episodes with some memory intact. Even if I believe in God, I don’t believe in the devil. I can’t subscribe to a theory of a superior force being evil. A miracle makes you believe in good and in God.

But what of the memories I have of recent episodes that showed me little bad and inimical magic tricks to hinder me. I just can’t classify them as mere hallucinations when their residual effects are all around. Whatever it is I have to suppress it deep within myself. Accepting God to me might mean accepting insanity.

I have to start afresh after each episode. I end up in the start line halfway through the race. Can’t I not finish at least one race to call myself worthy of this life, worthy of love?

 

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La Belle Dame sans Merci: A Ballad by Keats

(A ballad by famous poet John Keats that even non poem lovers can enjoy)
O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
       Alone and palely loitering?
The sedge has withered from the lake,
       And no birds sing.
O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
       So haggard and so woe-begone?
The squirrel’s granary is full,
       And the harvest’s done.
I see a lily on thy brow,
       With anguish moist and fever-dew,
And on thy cheeks a fading rose
       Fast withereth too.
I met a lady in the meads,
       Full beautiful—a faery’s child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
       And her eyes were wild.
I made a garland for her head,
       And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
She looked at me as she did love,
       And made sweet moan
I set her on my pacing steed,
       And nothing else saw all day long,
For sidelong would she bend, and sing
       A faery’s song.
She found me roots of relish sweet,
       And honey wild, and manna-dew,
And sure in language strange she said—
       ‘I love thee true’.
She took me to her Elfin grot,
       And there she wept and sighed full sore,
And there I shut her wild wild eyes
       With kisses four.
And there she lullèd me asleep,
       And there I dreamed—Ah! woe betide!—
The latest dream I ever dreamt
       On the cold hill side.
I saw pale kings and princes too,
       Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
They cried—‘La Belle Dame sans Merci
       Thee hath in thrall!’
I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
       With horrid warning gapèd wide,
And I awoke and found me here,
       On the cold hill’s side.
And this is why I sojourn here,
       Alone and palely loitering,
Though the sedge is withered from the lake,
       And no birds sing.

Valentine’s day Special (14/02/18)

Today, on Valentine’s day, as I was hearing coincidentally the songs of the movie ‘Oru thalai raagam’, that literally means one sided music which is a euphemism for one sided love, the thought of this post, my favourites of romance in movies came about.

The movie ‘Love actually’ a collection of stories of romance that includes a one sided love too is easily the most favourite. The movie titled ‘Valentine’s day’ is also a collection of romance stories that is also equally riveting.

Julia Robert’s ‘Pretty woman’ and ‘Notting Hill’ are both great celebrations of love and romance.

Though the world loved ‘Titanic’ for it’s celebration of romance I loved ‘Brave Heart’ as an expression of love and freedom.

All romantic comedies from ‘Devil wears Prada’ to ’27 dresses’ and ‘2 weeks notice’ to ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’, ‘Jerry McGuire’ etc and from an ‘Affair to Remember’ to ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and ‘Sound of Music’ are all great celebrations of Romance. The ‘Object of my affection’ is also a nice romance movie.

‘Good Will Hunting’ and ‘As Good as it gets’ are also great romantic treatises while dealing with a dark or serious subjects. ‘Gone with the wind’ featuring Vivian Leigh and Clark Gable is a memorable movie of love and romance.

Hundreds of such memorable tributes to romance on celluloid can be cited. Yet I shall end here with a quote from another romantic movie ‘Beau Brummel’,

“It doesn’t matter how or where you end up but what is more important is how you have affected the hearts and souls of those around you.”

Che Guevara Quotes in today’s context – 1

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1. Betterment is a bitter mint.

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2. Dilli chalo ya mumbai, bus chalo befikar.

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3. Accept defeat, but never concede it.

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4. Better be whatever you are now rather than bowing to the unknown in hope of achieving your deepest ambition. For those who say bow down never know the meaning of ambition or courage. For ambitions are truly achieved only when done without ever bowing once.

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5. There are phases in everyone’s life where the things they take for granted are put under threat. It means there is a change around the corner. To embrace it or fight it is left to each man himself.

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6. Ud ud meri yaaro na mud mud yaaro, duniya dekhi saari par ab hai theri baari.

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7. Take at least half measures to meet change when it is around the corner.

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8. Hiding behind words like realistic, pragmatical etc is to climb high in this corrupt world is fine but at last one has to live with his conscience.

Different Shopaholic

Unlike others who splurge extra on dress and makeup or the men on their cars or bicycles, I crave differently.

I wear the same clothes for may be a year. Cigarettes are compulsory for me. Yet as an occasional shopaholic I bought too many books, a guitar, paint accessories, a midi keyboard and a DSLR camera. The last one is what I am pining my hopes on.

To read all books bought and to master these skills will take a long time. Yet it doesn’t matter. Earning money in some way and learning these things will give me soul satisfaction.

I hope to earn money in the tinsel town of tamilnadu Chennai.

Is being a shoppaholic bad?

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I am not poor socially, may be I was. I am at the top of the cool pyramid, when people are around, I supply laughter. What I am poor is at social networking, I am not one to pick up the phone and chat aimlessly, or visit someone or someplace and be updated on others life events, in short I lack the caring that makes others endearing. I care for the moment, all I could do is may be supply a few laughs or settle the bill for an outing. I don’t seek others and give no reason for them to seek me either.

I am an introvert who crossed over long back. If I hadn’t may be I might have landed good grades and a decent job. It is for the best, I am the happiest for it, it has brought me close to my true passion. I’ve decided to pick a couple of hobbies photography, music for the sole reason to supplement my writing and fill the solitude that might be an aspect of life for some time to come.

I am going to hone and learn additional skill sets required to pursue my passion in the year ahead. Ironically skills are just a part and networking is the major component to succeed in my endeavor like any other. I intend to try and build at least a poor ensemble of online social networking. The contacts that matter for my chosen profession lie ahead. I am the king of the moment and I intend to seize it and not let it pass. In addition to honing my creative skills, I intend to focus on the business angle of the endeavor completely too. I have an edge in that sphere, through education and experience.

I intend not to have any commitments till I fulfill my mission. I hope to complete it within two years.

I intend to make a film of any kind and earn a decent sum out of it.

Not a world changing intention, but a life changing intention, for it was this that brought my life crashing down, and now I realize this is the only way I know, the only way ahead. In the end all will be made well only by undertaking that tedious journey that was once abandoned. As someone recently pointed, it is living life to the fullest and not success or failure that ultimately matters. For even a successful man will have many regrets but the one who lived completely giving his best shall not have a single regret as he closes his eyes.

Missed Bus

(seeing a short story in the blog, I wanted to try one while in travel and to make it fun for me I will try not to think beforehand and let words flow without form or purpose)

The bus slowly dragged along the clogged streets of the wretched city that once again let him down in that god awful interview. The same question, why did you leave your previous job and why such a long break. The same evasive replies that as usual got him nowhere. The bus picked up speed rocking him back and forth. It suddenly lurched throwing him against the roof and his bag was thrown down hard. Story of his life.

He had a small bladder a doc once said. What ever it was he had a difficulty holding it in, and now he needed to go very badly. The story couldn’t get any sorrier. But he wasn’t his old cringing crybaby self anymore. He had grown up, he had toughened, one little thing had made that happen, his daughter.

Right when he thought he couldn’t take anymore, the bus stopped at a hotel for a break. He got down, stretched his legs and after taking care of his urgent need, he came out and lit up a cigarette. His wife was the rock of the family. It was on her earnings that the family ran. She had become demeaning in her behavior towards him. They used to have a lot of fights. Nowadays he grudgingly had began to do as she says, all for the sake of his daughter. He also had to admit that she a woman, has taken the role of provider of the family while he could do nothing.

He was too lost in his thoughts that he had ended up smoking one too many a cigarette. Gathering himself, he went in search of his bus, only to find that it had left without him. He wasn’t worried about his bag, he can collect it from the travel office later. But he had to reach
his home by tomorrow. It was his daughter’s birthday. Her 8th birthday. The gift he had so carefully bought her was in his bag. But it didn’t matter, he can get one later in his hometown.

He enquired in the hotel if any other bus would stop by and got a negative reply. Yet he was told that if he could somehow go to the next town, then he could get buses to his hometown or he could stay at their hotel and travel the next day. He went to the highway in hope of hitching a ride to the next town. He had already missed the last three of his daughter’s birthdays. He didn’t consider himself an alcoholic but he had lost wonderful time with family and a job because of the party life. The job. He had to find a job soon. Not to gain prestige from society, not to escape the cribbing from his wife, but if his daughter is not to experience hardships he faced then more money is needed.

After lots of accusing glares by people inside the cars and outside on the road my patience was rewarded as a family finally stopped taking pity on me. I got in the front seat and in the back were the gentleman’s wife and cute daughter. I told them the story of how I missed my bus and am going to see my daughter. We laughed heartily. On hearing that I was looking for a job he offered a job in his firm saying it might not be up to my standards but the pay was good. I thanked him profusely. He said they had money but no child for a long time before their daughter came along and made them realize that love and not money is important in the world. They dropped me by a fork in the road saying the bus stand is right ahead and they had to take that turn.

I thanked them and started walking thinking of what gift to buy for my daughter. Suddenly from behind a tree jumped a man with a knife. He asked for my wallet, watch and chain. Today I was in no mood to take on this vagrant, even otherwise I don’t think I am man enough, to take him on, hell I was not even the man in my family. Seeing me hesitate, he also hesitated, then with a resolve shouted, “if you don’t give it I will kill you, its for my daughter man, tomorrow’s her birthday, I got no money to get her anything man, just give some money, you keep the wallet and chain”

At that moment a police patrol Jeep passing, stopped seeing us. The guy in fear grabbed me and held the knife to my neck. But he was such an amateur that he gave them a clear shot and the officer took it. After checking they pronounced him dead. They escorted me to the bus stand and helped me board the bus.

On reaching my hometown, I was in a real rush as I was already very late and forgot to get any gift. I realized it only as I was pressing the doorbell of my house. The door opened and standing in the doorway was my wife and behind her my daughter. My wife glared at me and started a tirade on how I was late and had come without a gift. My wife was scolding thus, but I don’t know what came over me, I hugged her, then my daughter and started crying. At that moment I realized that the greatest gift I can give my wife and daughter was being alive and being with them.