Judge me if you want, we all die one day, but I intend to deserve it – Ernesto Che Guavara
Why should I live?
I got nothing to give,
the end is near,
there is a fear;
my dreams withdrawn,
no hope for dawn,
why was I born?
my heart shredded and torn;
alone I wander,
the pain is no wonder,
dreams were my blunder,
seeking the lie, the thunder;
what to do? smells foul my rotting soul,
I must die for I am a man without a goal.
A bump in my road,
I took it in my stride,
a lump as my heart plowed,
couldn’t ignore as I seek a bride;
It is good to be single,
yet can’t take down,
the for sale sign to mingle,
shaming the town’s frown;
what is my life’s worth,
that I have nothing to show,
failures toss me back and forth,
am I to seek solace from another’s low;
need to change now, I’ve had my share of the fun,
yet no remnants from those beautiful days under the sun.
I am a nobody. This realisation happened to me recently as I gave up on my ambitions one by one. I gave up on my dreams of becoming a Tamil movie director a while back. I have a completed movie script with me as well as scores of ideas. I still grasped at wanting to be a writer writing english novels. A while back I gave up on that too, I have a finished novel and a few incomplete ones too. I won’t blame external factors alone for my failure as I realise I probably wasn’t fit enough or bestowed with talent needed to succeed and make it big. I have a restaurant that is yet to make profit. You can’t give up your dreams without grasping something else though that is what I did. My restaurant is where at least I must focus but there isn’t much to do with the Corona lockdown.
Being a nobody is acceptable to me. I am not craving for recognition but for utilisation so that people can benefit from my living as so far I have benefited from the world and given zilch in return. I am the absolute worthless nobody. I am a single who has recently, very lately, hung the ‘For Sale’ board in the arranged marriage market. I knew romance once and it is enough, I now crave kids and a family. Finding a bride for me is proving to be tough at thirty eight. I have nothing to live for as I stand. I want to benefit at least a few before I die. What is in my hands is nothing.
This blog with three hundred odd followers and averaging three to four likes is not going to cut it. Not only because it is meagre but also because of its demographics. The crowd here has few Indians and absolutely no Tamilians as far as I know. I want to connect locally, to be used for a greater cause. I am a classic rebel without a cause. The cosmos better send some cause for me soon for I fear I will end without use even after several more years have passed. I have something to give with no takers and that worthless feeling is horrible. Given my personal situation having no hopes of improving soon I felt like putting myself forward. This blog having been a personal blog for so long with so many of my so called poems I can’t change it or use it now in another direction or can I? I have some ideas for changes in the world and concretely in my home state Tamil Nadu.
A few posts won’t cut it. I must live a life of commitment and dedication to benefit others. I am a nobody and will the world guide me to become somebody that is utilised at least partly?
I am like you, a bit less for not striving to reach my potential. But this isn’t about me. I strive to understand any opposition as they come from some place sincere or even if they be other cynical justifications. In the south of India Hindu and Hindutva are not just polar opposites but are enemies. I understand the space for hindutva too and where it comes from unlike some liberal Hindus who treat hindutva as an abomination. Hinduism and Islam have thrived alongside thousands of years and will continue to do so even if it be with Hindutva on the side. This subject is connected to this very blog. It was the demolition of the Babri mosque and the killings that followed that spurred me, then a ten year old kid, to write his first verses. Two decades have passed even as the stigma of its aftermath linger on. Let others worry over what has been done. Has anyone passed to consider what could be done. I am not stating or proposing anything new but only voicing the thoughts of the moderates. Let there be a temple and masjid in the town while the disputed land having recreated in to a place for religious unity and national integration. The generation next has shown me its power with reinstating Jallikattu on a spontaneous whim. Someone spread the word and make true what is in the hearts of a majority of Indians to transform the disputed land now the responsibility of a government controlled trust in to a symbol of integration and build a mosque and temple side by side in the same town. Let there be even a mere empty space, a symbol of the travails withstood to let love win at last. This is mere wishful thinking. Let the gods above and humans below make it true.
Dreamt an army of women for me,
all young, modern, free and joyous,
them shackled, it never meant to be,
did get frustrated me frivolous;
till dawned my failure’s import,
me, a one man army fighting hard
to guide their dreams safely to port,
one man against any chauvnist lord;
I dared defy the world for my girls,
furore rose, their miseries swept,
took on bigoted world in my unruly curls,
alone I fought as they for me wept;
my harsh rage unquelled seeking end,
must free them before I die in next bend.
I must defeat god,
for that I run hard,
to get what not had,
even if the ways be bad;
not a battle this fought,
a war torn heart wrought,
mighty me defeat him even if wear,
to grab, conquer hearts here;
the end is near,
there is no fear,
despite the tear,
curses people smear;
predicted to loose all in this scuffle,
shan’t give up as this is how I shuffle.
An army of men I got,
it all came unsought,
not had by many that bought,
why crave army of women tart?
not sexual though I a pervert,
but to satiate childhood introvert,
that fought to become this extrovert,
though shattered my fort;
an army to make,
and not break,
who better than girls that don’t fake,
an army of girls I’ll leave in my wake;
an army to defeat hell’s wrath,
to make heaven of this earth.
Where are my girls?
an army of women I dreamt of,
are they just my mind swirls,
or are they euphemism?;
for the one true girl I seek,
how can it be?
for any single girl, weak,
before the army I shall die for;
in my dreams I lived true,
to all my values and cherished love
through impossible cruel orders
to my girls of my liberal view;
through them I did murders fast,
is it why my dreams untrue to last?
Amity is everywhere and yet truly nowhere. From a theological view point there can be numerous reasons to endorse monotheism. But some bigots launch a tirade against polytheism. Theologically and in reality a polytheistic mindset can incorporate monotheism and similarly a monotheist can also adapt deeming lesser gods as prophets or other great folks. My argument in favor of polytheism is that it is an endangeared species with Hinduism being the only extant polytheistic faith. Another great fact is that despite the several gods the people live in amity (half truth as have to disregard caste strife),where the monotheistic faiths fight as to what kind or whose faith is supreme. One truth I know is diversity is god and amity is its product.
உடன்பிறப்பு அவனுந்தாண்
ஆனால் உன்மயில்
என் உடன் பிறந்தது
என் சிரிப்பு தான்
அதை நான் யாறுக்ககவும்
காவு கொடுக்க மாட்டேன்.
Even if he is my blood brother, the one truly of my blood and born with me is my laughter that I won’t sacrifice for anyone.
Solitary Wanderer 