I am a nobody

I am a nobody. This realisation happened to me recently as I gave up on my ambitions one by one. I gave up on my dreams of becoming a Tamil movie director a while back. I have a completed movie script with me as well as scores of ideas. I still grasped at wanting to be a writer writing english novels. A while back I gave up on that too, I have a finished novel and a few incomplete ones too. I won’t blame external factors alone for my failure as I realise I probably wasn’t fit  enough or bestowed with talent needed to succeed and make it big. I have a restaurant that is yet to make profit. You can’t give up your dreams without grasping something else though that is what I did. My restaurant is where at least I must focus but there isn’t much to do with the Corona lockdown.

Being a nobody is acceptable to me. I am not craving for recognition but for utilisation so that people can benefit from my living as so far I have benefited from the world and given zilch in return. I am the absolute worthless nobody. I am a single who has recently, very lately, hung the ‘For Sale’ board in the arranged marriage market. I knew romance once and it is enough, I now crave kids and a family. Finding a bride for me is proving to be tough at thirty eight. I have nothing to live for as I stand. I want to benefit at least a few before I die. What is in my hands is nothing.

This blog with three hundred odd followers and averaging three to four likes is not going to cut it. Not only because it is meagre but also because of its demographics. The crowd here has few Indians and absolutely no Tamilians as far as I know. I want to connect locally, to be used for a greater cause. I am a classic rebel without a cause. The cosmos better send some cause for me soon for I fear I will end without use even after several more years have passed. I have something to give with no takers and that worthless feeling is horrible. Given my personal situation having no hopes of improving soon I felt like putting myself forward. This blog having been a personal blog for so long with so many of my so called poems I can’t change it or use it now in another direction or can I? I   have some ideas for changes in the world and concretely in my home state Tamil Nadu.

A few posts won’t cut it. I must live a life of commitment and dedication to benefit others.   I am a nobody and will the world guide me to become somebody that is utilised at least partly?

 

 

Go away, silly one

Go away, silly one, that don’t know of loss,

dub yourself loser, leave joker, laughter not here,

wailed a lady in crowd, all noise did pause,

now clad colourful, old black dresses didn’t smear;

I spoke, I lost but a dream, not living, loving soul,

came not to mourn or share, yet I do care,

gone days of joy, nights of sleep, dreams stole,

gone thunder, rain, rainbow and lighting’s glare;

what desert, as gone the sand beneath my feet,

gone breeze, even mighty sea without time to see,

gone sweet home, now a thorn, my last retreat,

no refuge, no place known to shelter, nowhere to flee;

innocence lost, ignorance cost, spoilt forecast, time flew fast,

gone courage, morals, little laurels, tears and laughter,

gone stories, movies, idle banter, carefree canter of past,

know not where all went, my life spent, grew softer;

pride, confidence, dreams gone with skill and wisdom,

never lost any near and dear, just lost an empty dream,

not compare losses, my misery trifle, akin to boredom,

you lost forever, loved ones, to death, time’s stream;

music, song, poems and prose scribbles died long ago,

forgot drinks, dinners, friends with just cigarette in hand,

didn’t love a soul, lost none, yet your grief with me grow,

despite troubles and sorrow, your feet planted firm on land;

for you love and so live, I merely forgive, you strive, you give,

give your thought and action calmly to those that remain,

those gone, a strong memory, you forever mourn and grieve,

parent, sibling, child or friend, leave void, stain uncleared by strain;

but folks enshrined in history to pavement dweller has to leave,

all love, except vile like me that can’t, from terrorist to rapist,

even I can’t deny being loved, a love that can’t be worn on sleeve,

gone sun, stars, days and nights, not the memory in our midst;

cherish memory with tears or laughter,

dead find lease in your memories, yet how long,

perish with you, you a memory, ones in your’s, lost chapter,

no matter, unsought immortality, till lasts hear love’s song;

Go away confused one, come when know what you want, what to say,

let us in peace pray, why without clarity or purpose, you here stray?

(This is partly done and shall be continued in future posts)

 

 

 

 

I am a stalker – Haibun

I now have made my blog as the second home for me.

I’ve rested movies and books to saunter on the blogosphere. I spend most time in my own blog scribbling at times writing. I venture out to other blogs earlier to invite likes for my own blog but now to enjoy myself. They inspire me, they are like me contemporary and with skills that I can aspire to. I am no flirt yet I enjoy female converse and company more regardless of age. I am stating a universal truth that some don’t admit. Opposites attract, interact, inspire etc. Moreover I am a sort of feminist who believes women in general have more warmth and that their voice is stifled in the patriarchal world. Whatever it is regardless of gender, man or woman, I would like to converse with other bloggers. I’ve made quite a few attempts mentioning them in my blog posts like a child. I feel the Gravatars are real people with whom I bond over time.

I am a stalker of a different breed

that stalks bloggers high and low with soft corner for women

to repulse, just like me more, often and on your own.

Diary (09/02/2018)

I revived this blog only a couple of days back in pursuance of the changes in my life.

After years of idleness, I am now in the process of setting up a lending library in my hometown, Tuticorin. Got quite a few Tamil books for the library in addition to the English books already at home.

Reading three books in parallel, Sujatha’s Ayndham Athyayam, Larry Collins and Dominique Lapierre’s Freedom at Midnight, and the book on Gita written by my brother’s friend titled Butterflies, parottas and the Bhagavad Gita.

Daily routine improving as I wake up in the morning instead of at noon enabling me to have breakfast which had been skipped for quite a few years.

This diary section is a bid to help myself. This will be maintained from time to time with the latest happenings that can be made public.

Spreading the cheer

image

Thanks writeshefali for nominating to the blogger recognition award. You’ve made me feel part of the blogging world. There are a few floating around and a good thing too. When I first saw a mention of such thing I was like why the fuss over a little thing. (I now realize that it is the little things that need to be fussed over or else you’ll lose all waiting for the great thing and women do that wonderfully)

This encourages us small bloggers, so do likes and follows. Blogging is passion, it is connecting on a much deeper level with others. I really look forward to doing the activities mentioned. In happiness tag, I had to do suo moto at least now I have an invite. As for posting links I don’t know, is a feeble excuse, I’ll try but if eluded will tackle learning that beast on a calmer day.

My job required me to maintain a business blog, so I thought starting a personal blog would give me a picture. Ironically I had to quit my job, but the blog kept me going. Then it gave me the strength to go after my true passion in real life, then it gave me a self realization of what I would really like to see happen in my life, it made my previous goals fall short and the reason I live for now. In short it is the blog shaping me and not the other way around.

What I would like to share with new bloggers is that even if you are for promotion, in the long run in the blog world, nothing beats truth. Is it true? If you got a million bloggers following you on a different subject, and you pitch something different, only few will respond. On the other hand if you have a book and you have a committed few following, you can be sure they’ll all read the book.

As for nominations I haven’t explored or reached out in to the blog world fully yet. Of what little I know, I suggest people to whom I’ll send an information directly.

Happy Blogging!!!

Rules for participating in Blogger recognition award:

Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.Write a post to show your award.Attach the award to the post.Give a brief story of how your blog started.Give a piece of advice or two to new bloggers.Select 15 other blogs you want to give the award to.Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them & provide a link to the award post you created.

Robot

Blog. Log. Slog. Clog. Bog.
Lag. Snag. Drag. Me a Rag.
Can’t Shrug. Blog a drug.
Cling. Cring. Yet Bring Zilch.
High Strung. Few Wrung Likes.
Like, Strike Same. Like Pity Seem.
Strangers All. Dangers None.
Except Indifference. No Warmth.
No Friends. No Love. No feelings.
Blogger. Human, Moron or Robot.