The dam swelled

The dam swelled in torrential rains,

stopping for now the cursed floods,

not crumbled by overwhelming pains,

built at cost of many men’s bloods;

take one more he said and from the top fell,

not getting any wish including love chased,

stupid should have chosen a well,

for swept ashore battered and bruised;

gone mind, gone body, not burning soul,

tormented alone it begged for someone more,

restrained by ethics how to reach goal,

what use to end in uninhabited shore;

the world is cruel to all those loyal,

as the impostors become royal.

 

 

 

Random thought – 1

யார் வீட்டு கல்யாணத்துக்கோ நான் மாப்பிளை என நினைத்து போய் கை சுட்டு வந்த கோமாளி நான்.

I went to some stranger’s wedding thinking myself as the groom and got burnt, such a fool am I.

[This saying is a result of an incident. I love kids, who doesn’t, and was invited to the sports day in my mom’s play school. I waltzed in as an owner instead of the observer I was supposed to be and got embarrassed.]

 

Today I don’t

Today I don’t mourn my yesterday,

for I bury all weakness that was my past,

and thank it for showing me the way,

to fight for a better tomorrow at last;

what if the world wasn’t kind before?

how would it when I wasn’t kind to myself,

suck frustrations and blow it through the door,

who but me to place myself on a high shelf;

why worry as new days come and nights pass,

my dawn is surely right ahead in the next bend,

believe in it I must without a moment’s pause,

yet time to shed skin and with the world blend;

from today I vow to be my biggest fan,

to burn my old self and become a new man.

 

 

 

 

Why should I live?

Why should I live?

I got nothing to give,

the end is near,

there is a fear;

my dreams withdrawn,

no hope for dawn,

why was I born?

my heart shredded and torn;

alone I wander,

the pain is no wonder,

dreams were my blunder,

seeking the lie, the thunder;

what to do? smells foul my rotting soul,

I must die for I am a man without a goal.

 

A bump

A bump in my road,

I took it in my stride,

a lump as my heart plowed,

couldn’t ignore as I seek a bride;

It is good to be single,

yet can’t take down,

the for sale sign to mingle,

shaming the town’s frown;

what is my life’s worth,

that I have nothing to show,

failures toss me back and forth,

am I to seek solace from another’s low;

need to change now, I’ve had my share of the fun,

yet no remnants from those beautiful days under the sun.

 

 

 

I am a nobody

I am a nobody. This realisation happened to me recently as I gave up on my ambitions one by one. I gave up on my dreams of becoming a Tamil movie director a while back. I have a completed movie script with me as well as scores of ideas. I still grasped at wanting to be a writer writing english novels. A while back I gave up on that too, I have a finished novel and a few incomplete ones too. I won’t blame external factors alone for my failure as I realise I probably wasn’t fit  enough or bestowed with talent needed to succeed and make it big. I have a restaurant that is yet to make profit. You can’t give up your dreams without grasping something else though that is what I did. My restaurant is where at least I must focus but there isn’t much to do with the Corona lockdown.

Being a nobody is acceptable to me. I am not craving for recognition but for utilisation so that people can benefit from my living as so far I have benefited from the world and given zilch in return. I am the absolute worthless nobody. I am a single who has recently, very lately, hung the ‘For Sale’ board in the arranged marriage market. I knew romance once and it is enough, I now crave kids and a family. Finding a bride for me is proving to be tough at thirty eight. I have nothing to live for as I stand. I want to benefit at least a few before I die. What is in my hands is nothing.

This blog with three hundred odd followers and averaging three to four likes is not going to cut it. Not only because it is meagre but also because of its demographics. The crowd here has few Indians and absolutely no Tamilians as far as I know. I want to connect locally, to be used for a greater cause. I am a classic rebel without a cause. The cosmos better send some cause for me soon for I fear I will end without use even after several more years have passed. I have something to give with no takers and that worthless feeling is horrible. Given my personal situation having no hopes of improving soon I felt like putting myself forward. This blog having been a personal blog for so long with so many of my so called poems I can’t change it or use it now in another direction or can I? I   have some ideas for changes in the world and concretely in my home state Tamil Nadu.

A few posts won’t cut it. I must live a life of commitment and dedication to benefit others.   I am a nobody and will the world guide me to become somebody that is utilised at least partly?

 

 

Go away, silly one

Go away, silly one, that don’t know of loss,

dub yourself loser, leave joker, laughter not here,

wailed a lady in crowd, all noise did pause,

now clad colourful, old black dresses didn’t smear;

I spoke, I lost but a dream, not living, loving soul,

came not to mourn or share, yet I do care,

gone days of joy, nights of sleep, dreams stole,

gone thunder, rain, rainbow and lighting’s glare;

what desert, as gone the sand beneath my feet,

gone breeze, even mighty sea without time to see,

gone sweet home, now a thorn, my last retreat,

no refuge, no place known to shelter, nowhere to flee;

innocence lost, ignorance cost, spoilt forecast, time flew fast,

gone courage, morals, little laurels, tears and laughter,

gone stories, movies, idle banter, carefree canter of past,

know not where all went, my life spent, grew softer;

pride, confidence, dreams gone with skill and wisdom,

never lost any near and dear, just lost an empty dream,

not compare losses, my misery trifle, akin to boredom,

you lost forever, loved ones, to death, time’s stream;

music, song, poems and prose scribbles died long ago,

forgot drinks, dinners, friends with just cigarette in hand,

didn’t love a soul, lost none, yet your grief with me grow,

despite troubles and sorrow, your feet planted firm on land;

for you love and so live, I merely forgive, you strive, you give,

give your thought and action calmly to those that remain,

those gone, a strong memory, you forever mourn and grieve,

parent, sibling, child or friend, leave void, stain uncleared by strain;

but folks enshrined in history to pavement dweller has to leave,

all love, except vile like me that can’t, from terrorist to rapist,

even I can’t deny being loved, a love that can’t be worn on sleeve,

gone sun, stars, days and nights, not the memory in our midst;

cherish memory with tears or laughter,

dead find lease in your memories, yet how long,

perish with you, you a memory, ones in your’s, lost chapter,

no matter, unsought immortality, till lasts hear love’s song;

Go away confused one, come when know what you want, what to say,

let us in peace pray, why without clarity or purpose, you here stray?

(This is partly done and shall be continued in future posts)

 

 

 

 

Little Things vs Details

‘Little things’ and ‘Details’ tend to mean the same in general. Here with a context they shall mean different things.

‘The devil is in the details,’ they say. What it means the details or the minor things or trivia (or the little things) matter the most to get the desired consequence in an investigation or a writing project or any such thing. Of course details here mean the bigger things too are included with the minor to get an elaborate inclusive view of the situation. The devil can mean a few things but I take it to mean the finer points or details are the trickiest as opposed to any negative connotation.

‘Happiness resides in the little things of life.’ Well a line by me though am sure there must be a similar well known line. Here it means only those trivia of life forgetting the bigger picture or other major things in life.

What exactly are these little things? They are of course myriad yet one analogy seems fine. It is anything like doing a homework… or not doing it. Yes, anything, for as long as it is a little thing it can either be good or bad and never evil.

Routine like brushing, bathing etc are little and though we never have to focus on them we must realise that when not done it tends to spoil our day.

I haven’t mentioned things like dew or a rainbow or a surprise rain or other natural beauty or man made magnificence as you can very well fill it up better with things that pop in your mind when you think of little things.

A child’s smile, yes of course, so the next time smile back and play with it, simple like doing homework. If you’re bored playing take leave, not bothering about the audience, simple like not doing homework.

The auditor has requested details of your shop, sales is dwindling yet nothing can be done till the accountant arrives. Important client mail to be sent at your office, a few meetings to be scheduled, prepare a vital presentation but nothing can be done without the secretary returning from lunch. There is the game on your mobile, jokes on your computer too but not now with these worries you think. But why not? Is there none to talk to while away time. The janitor is working and you’ve seen him pretty much like another office apparatus and can’t talk now. Why not? At home you not only carry the work woes but also face great family woes. You envy your wife and daughter watching a TV series as you go for your regular walk. You remember that you have a movie you’ve been meaning to watch or that unfinished book, but do they matter really now. Yet some view getting in to these little things as helping reduce the stress in the modern world. Maybe after the walk instead of hurrying to bath you can sit and watch the movie with your wife and daughter. It is a worthier investment of your time I say, but unfortunately won’t happen often. So instead of sulking or dominating just watch TV with them with the remote in their hands.

Take time to connect to people both inside and outside of our work, and keeping it healthy by our regular presence, in at least a couple of social groups live if possible  and if not over the net. This is a healthy thing. Family, relatives, friends, colleagues, friends of friends, acquaintances are the overall break up of  people in our lives. Yet only if we keep in touch with them regularly in today’s world with phone or the net can we make them part of our network where one can rely on each other.

Forget all. Little things like a smile, a handshake, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, a salute, verbal welcome, warmth go a big way to create heaven on earth. Why should couples monopolise holding hands as long as held in affection by others. Take time out for movies and books and then share it with friends and folks though they might not be in  to it. The regular soft drink for an addict and a rare soft drink for a sugar patient, a blind catching a movie in theatre, Ice cream in the cold rain dancing with joy, parties frequently for no apparent reason but not just with regular crowd but maybe the old parents or younger siblings also invited. These and more little things and little exceptions are what makes our lives pleasurable and not the big money and big successes.

 

A tiny world

A tiny world is this blog,

that mimics life,

for I familiar faces log,

but disappear without strife;

to return a stranger to all,

sad it happens also in my reality,

for alone I falter and fall,

busted long ago hoax of my ability;

yet giving up on hope,

I have learned to live,

giving up climb don’t need rope,

no need to accept though I can’t give;

dawned that should never be serious,

and in levity rest all that was furious.

Darkest winter

Darkest winter night as I fumbled blind for weeds,

spent scorching days in passion and lazy fashion,

now as poison gripped I fight to nourish my seeds,

manured these weeds I fight, lured by false vision;

end near but had to happen sometime, why not now,

for haphazard toil not given a single fruit of worth,

late now to grow new as unbending time’s bow,

bleeding hands work feverishly to clear field henceforth;

pained for weeds I grew, my only kids and legacy,

why persevere to grow other legacies over mine,

just for the visitors’ unkind valuations, what idiocy,

for though longed flowers these thorns now I pine;

weeds bled with me cruel, this night without sight,

chasing to right perceived wrongs decided by might.