Go away, silly one

Go away, silly one, that don’t know of loss,

dub yourself loser, leave joker, laughter not here,

wailed a lady in crowd, all noise did pause,

now clad colourful, old black dresses didn’t smear;

I spoke, I lost but a dream, not living, loving soul,

came not to mourn or share, yet I do care,

gone days of joy, nights of sleep, dreams stole,

gone thunder, rain, rainbow and lighting’s glare;

what desert, as gone the sand beneath my feet,

gone breeze, even mighty sea without time to see,

gone sweet home, now a thorn, my last retreat,

no refuge, no place known to shelter, nowhere to flee;

innocence lost, ignorance cost, spoilt forecast, time flew fast,

gone courage, morals, little laurels, tears and laughter,

gone stories, movies, idle banter, carefree canter of past,

know not where all went, my life spent, grew softer;

pride, confidence, dreams gone with skill and wisdom,

never lost any near and dear, just lost an empty dream,

not compare losses, my misery trifle, akin to boredom,

you lost forever, loved ones, to death, time’s stream;

music, song, poems and prose scribbles died long ago,

forgot drinks, dinners, friends with just cigarette in hand,

didn’t love a soul, lost none, yet your grief with me grow,

despite troubles and sorrow, your feet planted firm on land;

for you love and so live, I merely forgive, you strive, you give,

give your thought and action calmly to those that remain,

those gone, a strong memory, you forever mourn and grieve,

parent, sibling, child or friend, leave void, stain uncleared by strain;

but folks enshrined in history to pavement dweller has to leave,

all love, except vile like me that can’t, from terrorist to rapist,

even I can’t deny being loved, a love that can’t be worn on sleeve,

gone sun, stars, days and nights, not the memory in our midst;

cherish memory with tears or laughter,

dead find lease in your memories, yet how long,

perish with you, you a memory, ones in your’s, lost chapter,

no matter, unsought immortality, till lasts hear love’s song;

Go away confused one, come when know what you want, what to say,

let us in peace pray, why without clarity or purpose, you here stray?

(This is partly done and shall be continued in future posts)

 

 

 

 

Leashed

Purpose. Everyone has a purpose is a truth I conceded long ago. But what then is my purpose is something I will never know. Yet I’ve made an attempt to unearth the purpose of my life and shed a light on everyone else’s.  All my life I’ve wanted to make a movie. The goal has never wavered and is still on. But now it is the aspiration for a vocation, just like any other and primarily to make money. When I found Che through this blog, fermenting social change or being a part of it, became my primary aspiration. Movie is a way and is still on. I am as much a human being as the rest of us and a lesser kind of the species in fact and want what all of us want, freedom and happiness. I know it can’t be unbridled, and our job and family and other aspirations’ commitments shape our lives, as much as freedom to do what we really want.

All of my friends are earning, married and have children. I haven’t ever had a real job, if you don’t count the two half yearly stints. I am a dependent on my parents, but never lack for money and am well supplied. I am said to have Bipolar Disorder, some sort of psychiatric disorder. I am single and am happy about it so far, and am thinking of it for the long haul.

Every one feels chained. Everyone overcomes this and transform their chains into walls and live within its boundaries, a happy family or professional life. I am happy as I am is a partly true claim. If well funded and free, anyone can be, is my humble opinion. I haven’t deserved, it might be true, but since when did people have to deserve their happiness. If so I haven’t heard of it. If you can be happy without harming another’s interest grab it with both your hands, I say.

I feel like a dog on a leash and my claim has some substance. The leash has two parts. One is money which is vital. The next is gratitude and affection and what would come to my family if I walk out. All my friends and other peers are taking charge in some form or the other. They take their decisions or at least claim so while their wives are away. I am being set for marriage. For me marriage is trading one leash for another. I pant for freedom. I want to take at least a few laps of unbridled freedom before I heed society. Taking time out or late life commitment is a common thing in most countries but not in India. If it is a choice between freedom and family life, I would choose freedom, as I haven’t taken it in fully yet.

I am not an abstract person talking of abstract freedom either. My freedom has concrete shape. I want to travel alone, to ponder the Taj, and take a dip in the Ganges. Does that mean, later I would fall in line. No I would be headquartered in Chennai and trying to make documentaries or something. So is it for the Taj or the documentary, is it my freedom? No it is my lifestyle I am fighting  for. More importantly the freedom to choose my lifestyle. It has  to be my choice and not enforced. Lifestyle is Life. The argument against my independence is BPD. What good is a secured life lived within the walls. When I am prepared to die for my freedom, will you stop me on account of a cold. I will end this post with two quotes that guide me in this regard.

“Far better to live your own path imperfectly than to live another’s path perfectly” –  Bhagvad Gita

“Any society that will give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both” – Benjamin Franklin