I am not a poet

I am not a poet, not yet quite,

I hunger for fame, the loud acclaim,

I am all alone be it day or night,

not pleased with my scribblings lame;

I am the laziest boring person ever

giving nothing to this world

yet wanting all deeming myself too clever,

I wander never able to fit any mould;

who decides what is wheat and what is chaff,

what sweet nectar and what tar,

the sun shines the other side and tonight is tough,

yet for me and my brethren dawn is not far;

I’ve opened my doors as days come and nights pass

my words yearning for sweet company to trespass.

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Before the night is over

Before the night is over
the world shall kiss my feet,
Drunk on pride, I’ll never be sober,
all pains and sorrows shall beat retreat;

Before the night is over
she should come bowing to me,
beseeching not to be the vengeful lover
I’ll sadistically enjoy it with Glee;

My family, blood relations, friends
shall serve me stooping beneath me,
all dreams true with none that contends
or opposes my anger and cruel decree;

for this is my last night on Earth
towards hell I breathe my last breath.

If I were a grasshopper

If I were a grasshopper

I would hop from tree to tree,

If I were a party pooper

I would issue my own decree,

Alas I am an ugly duckling

Wish I could hang to be free;

If I were a guy

I would seek flesh, ever sly,

If I were a girl

would never entice, hide beneath skirts, never twirl;

Don’t ask me what am I then, why so bitter?

for the confused mad mind has no gender;

If a mad mind’s all wishes were to come true,

It would be hell on earth anew.

God and insanity

I firmly believe there is no life after death. Death is final. It is just dust to dust and ashes to ashes. But the travails of life and of living have me on my knees bowing to any force above to help me redeem myself and reform my life.

My greatest fear is life as much as death. I used to fear being lost in insanity forever. But now I fear losing life without finding myself worthy of life or love. Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I am on lithium medication and have had quite a few episodes of insanity stretching from being months together to just a couple of days.  Each time I come out of the episodes with some memory intact. Even if I believe in God, I don’t believe in the devil. I can’t subscribe to a theory of a superior force being evil. A miracle makes you believe in good and in God.

But what of the memories I have of recent episodes that showed me little bad and inimical magic tricks to hinder me. I just can’t classify them as mere hallucinations when their residual effects are all around. Whatever it is I have to suppress it deep within myself. Accepting God to me might mean accepting insanity.

I have to start afresh after each episode. I end up in the start line halfway through the race. Can’t I not finish at least one race to call myself worthy of this life, worthy of love?

 

A day like this

A day like this ended a year before
without cheer or much uproar,
it tore my heart even then
to be locked alone in this pen;
 
if love and romance is sweet nectar
being unloved and single is worse than tar,
a fact hammered down one’s throat
on each valentine’s day, a severe drought;

this day too shall pass like others,
yet the intense pain, none surpass;
as the day dawns, so does the truth
that forever alone will I be, uncouth;

yes, love transcends romance
but how and who will end my lonely dance.

 

Valentine’s day Special (14/02/18)

Today, on Valentine’s day, as I was hearing coincidentally the songs of the movie ‘Oru thalai raagam’, that literally means one sided music which is a euphemism for one sided love, the thought of this post, my favourites of romance in movies came about.

The movie ‘Love actually’ a collection of stories of romance that includes a one sided love too is easily the most favourite. The movie titled ‘Valentine’s day’ is also a collection of romance stories that is also equally riveting.

Julia Robert’s ‘Pretty woman’ and ‘Notting Hill’ are both great celebrations of love and romance.

Though the world loved ‘Titanic’ for it’s celebration of romance I loved ‘Brave Heart’ as an expression of love and freedom.

All romantic comedies from ‘Devil wears Prada’ to ’27 dresses’ and ‘2 weeks notice’ to ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’, ‘Jerry McGuire’ etc and from an ‘Affair to Remember’ to ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ and ‘Sound of Music’ are all great celebrations of Romance. The ‘Object of my affection’ is also a nice romance movie.

‘Good Will Hunting’ and ‘As Good as it gets’ are also great romantic treatises while dealing with a dark or serious subjects. ‘Gone with the wind’ featuring Vivian Leigh and Clark Gable is a memorable movie of love and romance.

Hundreds of such memorable tributes to romance on celluloid can be cited. Yet I shall end here with a quote from another romantic movie ‘Beau Brummel’,

“It doesn’t matter how or where you end up but what is more important is how you have affected the hearts and souls of those around you.”