Acceptance

I accept that I have Bipolar Disorder. It is more common than we think I have been told. It is the common cold of psychiatric disorders they say. Not a big deal.

In the context of this blog I have the nasty habit of mimicking the nature of other blog posts considering it inspiration. This post is some such thing. I feel odd doing this post as if I am asking for a pity parade. I’ve alluded to my condition in many poems and even in some other prose posts. But I’ve never really took it head on.

Bipolar disorder as for as I am concerned is a series of episodes where I lose it completely and am totally insane. When out of these episodes I am as normal as the other guy. When I am with people who know me and I lapse in to an episode they take care and inform my brother immediately and he comes and has vigil over me while I get completely normal under psychiatric guidance.

There have been so many episodes beyond count now. Each time I promise that it would be my last episode but fate intends otherwise. When I lapse when I am alone then that is a real problem. I’ve been detained by cops, drank water from the toilet, defecated in the open, had been thrashed and pushed out of a bus, I hit a strange girl and almost blinded my brother to state a few things that have happened to me.

It isn’t these things but the fact that the two jobs I had managed for six months at a time have been lost due to an episode is the greatest loss. I get cured but the effects of my episodes reflect on me for years. My brother who is caring in episodes becomes impatient with me when I am normal. Yet there is a practicing psychiatrist with Bipolar Disorder. Caterina Zeta Jones has it. It in no way affects life mostly. They just have terrible mood swings. I don’t have that I think. But I think I’ve had my last episode. I have nothing, no cause to worry compared with others of similar woes. The physically differently enabled who are stories of courage. My dad has polio in an arm and never complains then why should I.

I have become a lazy couch potato because of this. I no longer worry about people knowing my problem. That train passed long back. The cat is out of the bag in a perennial sense. This is one of the reasons I am being single. There are several more like my hugely excessive chain smoking. Six to eight packs a day. There have been times when I feel suicidal both during an episode and out of it in normal times.

It has been sixteen years of almost nothingness since my first episode. There is nothing to show for all these years. Books and movies helped me spend my time for these years. Now the blog and my writing quests have occupied me more recently. It isn’t my disorder but the after effect of being a couch potato that I have to fight against. Compounding these ills is the fact that I have become a pushover as long as my comfort levels are not breached. I can’t change that now. This would have shown what a grand loser i’ve become.

I’ve always been a day dreamer. I always dreamt that all my woes would disappear as soon as I become big and famous. I realise now that it isn’t happening. The plethora of talent I see around me has stunned me. I will soon start on being a restauranteur and write for the blog and out of it not in hopes of becoming big but to occupy me and also share it to the world.

We are all fellow travellers in the journey of life. Love is the true currency of this journey and not fame and money. Thanks for making me rich in that folks inside and outside of this blog. I might die but a fragment of my soul will live on through this blog. Though this isn’t a chronicle of my life these posts yet reflect on who I am. I am actually a thoroughly funny person to boot in my real life. That alone is not reflected in this blog. Happy blogging.

 

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Leashed

Purpose. Everyone has a purpose is a truth I conceded long ago. But what then is my purpose is something I will never know. Yet I’ve made an attempt to unearth the purpose of my life and shed a light on everyone else’s.  All my life I’ve wanted to make a movie. The goal has never wavered and is still on. But now it is the aspiration for a vocation, just like any other and primarily to make money. When I found Che through this blog, fermenting social change or being a part of it, became my primary aspiration. Movie is a way and is still on. I am as much a human being as the rest of us and a lesser kind of the species in fact and want what all of us want, freedom and happiness. I know it can’t be unbridled, and our job and family and other aspirations’ commitments shape our lives, as much as freedom to do what we really want.

All of my friends are earning, married and have children. I haven’t ever had a real job, if you don’t count the two half yearly stints. I am a dependent on my parents, but never lack for money and am well supplied. I am said to have Bipolar Disorder, some sort of psychiatric disorder. I am single and am happy about it so far, and am thinking of it for the long haul.

Every one feels chained. Everyone overcomes this and transform their chains into walls and live within its boundaries, a happy family or professional life. I am happy as I am is a partly true claim. If well funded and free, anyone can be, is my humble opinion. I haven’t deserved, it might be true, but since when did people have to deserve their happiness. If so I haven’t heard of it. If you can be happy without harming another’s interest grab it with both your hands, I say.

I feel like a dog on a leash and my claim has some substance. The leash has two parts. One is money which is vital. The next is gratitude and affection and what would come to my family if I walk out. All my friends and other peers are taking charge in some form or the other. They take their decisions or at least claim so while their wives are away. I am being set for marriage. For me marriage is trading one leash for another. I pant for freedom. I want to take at least a few laps of unbridled freedom before I heed society. Taking time out or late life commitment is a common thing in most countries but not in India. If it is a choice between freedom and family life, I would choose freedom, as I haven’t taken it in fully yet.

I am not an abstract person talking of abstract freedom either. My freedom has concrete shape. I want to travel alone, to ponder the Taj, and take a dip in the Ganges. Does that mean, later I would fall in line. No I would be headquartered in Chennai and trying to make documentaries or something. So is it for the Taj or the documentary, is it my freedom? No it is my lifestyle I am fighting  for. More importantly the freedom to choose my lifestyle. It has  to be my choice and not enforced. Lifestyle is Life. The argument against my independence is BPD. What good is a secured life lived within the walls. When I am prepared to die for my freedom, will you stop me on account of a cold. I will end this post with two quotes that guide me in this regard.

“Far better to live your own path imperfectly than to live another’s path perfectly” –  Bhagvad Gita

“Any society that will give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both” – Benjamin Franklin