I am a nobody

I am a nobody. This realisation happened to me recently as I gave up on my ambitions one by one. I gave up on my dreams of becoming a Tamil movie director a while back. I have a completed movie script with me as well as scores of ideas. I still grasped at wanting to be a writer writing english novels. A while back I gave up on that too, I have a finished novel and a few incomplete ones too. I won’t blame external factors alone for my failure as I realise I probably wasn’t fit  enough or bestowed with talent needed to succeed and make it big. I have a restaurant that is yet to make profit. You can’t give up your dreams without grasping something else though that is what I did. My restaurant is where at least I must focus but there isn’t much to do with the Corona lockdown.

Being a nobody is acceptable to me. I am not craving for recognition but for utilisation so that people can benefit from my living as so far I have benefited from the world and given zilch in return. I am the absolute worthless nobody. I am a single who has recently, very lately, hung the ‘For Sale’ board in the arranged marriage market. I knew romance once and it is enough, I now crave kids and a family. Finding a bride for me is proving to be tough at thirty eight. I have nothing to live for as I stand. I want to benefit at least a few before I die. What is in my hands is nothing.

This blog with three hundred odd followers and averaging three to four likes is not going to cut it. Not only because it is meagre but also because of its demographics. The crowd here has few Indians and absolutely no Tamilians as far as I know. I want to connect locally, to be used for a greater cause. I am a classic rebel without a cause. The cosmos better send some cause for me soon for I fear I will end without use even after several more years have passed. I have something to give with no takers and that worthless feeling is horrible. Given my personal situation having no hopes of improving soon I felt like putting myself forward. This blog having been a personal blog for so long with so many of my so called poems I can’t change it or use it now in another direction or can I? I   have some ideas for changes in the world and concretely in my home state Tamil Nadu.

A few posts won’t cut it. I must live a life of commitment and dedication to benefit others.   I am a nobody and will the world guide me to become somebody that is utilised at least partly?

 

 

Current behind screen person

In the era of heros like M.G.R and Sivaji, a director K.Balachandar (and Bharati Rajaalso) was setting trends as a director launching Kamal and Rajini. In era of Kamal and Rajini it was Manirathnam who used these heros too but was a pull factor even behind screens. In era of Ajith and Vijay who would be the one director who will last long with a career as these heros you reckon? I loved Iraivi and so Santhosh Subramanian and despite hating Petai laud him for trying Rajini and mainstream. Who will outlast these heros as directors behind the screens?

செவ்வுள்ளம் (Red soul)

(This is a tamil poem but english paraphrase but not translation is given below. Once my dad wrote a page long poem spending great time and showed me and I after admiring it flipped the page and fastly scribbled these four lines.)

அந்தி மறுகும் செவ்வானம் அழகெனினும்,

பிந்தய நினைவுகளில் மிஞ்சி சிவக்கும் உள்ளம்,

இன்று தொற்றேன் என அகிலம் பறயாற்றும் ஆனால்,

வென்று நின்றேன் அவ்வானை என் கிறோத கனலினிலே.

Though the twilight pining red sky is beautiful,

old thoughts exceed as the soul reddens,

today I lost, the world may decree,

yet I stood conquering the sky with my red hot anger.

Oh! leader! Our leader!

Oh leader! Our leader! the heroic journey has abruptly ended, 
who will stop genocide, ethnic cleansing sure to follow untended, 
all is lost, what meaning now for the sacrifices of the bold tigers,
few mourn you supreme tiger, no flag flies half mast, we beggars,

But Oh heartless! heartless! heartless!
stone cold the hand that fired the gun,
where your remains lie they don’t say to stress,
the cruel superiority and evil deeds done,

Oh leader! Our leader! rise up for there is much work to be done,
the weak and ailing need you, the very dignity of this lot need won,
where will we go now for sanctuary, we flew away far and wide,
in hope that someday we’ll reunite under you in our native land side,

Where leader! Dear brother! 
do you lie, so we pay respect,
we’ll warm near dead cold bother,
once we won on every bold aspect,

many find faults too many that you did, yet you will be our leader true,
for you took a path too harsh to handle, yet were gentle in your mirth,
you carried our pains and were culmination of all our hopes in cry and hue,
we sing songs of pleasure and happiness rejoicing the day of your birth,

where went you, destiny unfulfilled,
we lack strength even to mourn you,
hopes no more, what catastrophe unwilled,
call us to you our leader strong willed.