Before the night is over
the world shall kiss my feet,
Drunk on pride, I’ll never be sober,
all pains and sorrows shall beat retreat;
Before the night is over
she should come bowing to me,
beseeching not to be the vengeful lover
I’ll sadistically enjoy it with Glee;
My family, blood relations, friends
shall serve me stooping beneath me,
all dreams true with none that contends
or opposes my anger and cruel decree;
for this is my last night on Earth
towards hell I breathe my last breath.
If I were a grasshopper
I would hop from tree to tree,
If I were a party pooper
I would issue my own decree,
Alas I am an ugly duckling
Wish I could hang to be free;
If I were a guy
I would seek flesh, ever sly,
If I were a girl
would never entice, hide beneath skirts, never twirl;
Don’t ask me what am I then, why so bitter?
for the confused mad mind has no gender;
If a mad mind’s all wishes were to come true,
It would be hell on earth anew.
This is the second Diary entry from me. In the last entry from three months before I had mentioned the setting up of a lending library, it has been set up and there is only a lukewarm response so far.
I am in the process of setting up a restaurant in my hometown. But most importantly like most bloggers I too share a passion and also an ambition for writing. In my case my ambition is to be an author of popular fiction novels. I am in the process of writing the manuscript of a children’s novel. I intend to publish and see it as a printed book.
I am sharing the first eleven chapters for your valuable feedback and suggestions.
An untidy uncouth fool in despair and hunger blind,
sat upon a misty hilltop clutching stomach unkind,
a heavenly dame came
offering roasted game
all hunger left behind on the glimpse of her sweet behind.
I firmly believe there is no life after death. Death is final. It is just dust to dust and ashes to ashes. But the travails of life and of living have me on my knees bowing to any force above to help me redeem myself and reform my life.
My greatest fear is life as much as death. I used to fear being lost in insanity forever. But now I fear losing life without finding myself worthy of life or love. Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I am on lithium medication and have had quite a few episodes of insanity stretching from being months together to just a couple of days. Each time I come out of the episodes with some memory intact. Even if I believe in God, I don’t believe in the devil. I can’t subscribe to a theory of a superior force being evil. A miracle makes you believe in good and in God.
But what of the memories I have of recent episodes that showed me little bad and inimical magic tricks to hinder me. I just can’t classify them as mere hallucinations when their residual effects are all around. Whatever it is I have to suppress it deep within myself. Accepting God to me might mean accepting insanity.
I have to start afresh after each episode. I end up in the start line halfway through the race. Can’t I not finish at least one race to call myself worthy of this life, worthy of love?
I am a man of thoughts
but without words or actions
what use, thoughts, mere farts.
I believe I can triumph over we,
but where and who am I,
ever fleeing, am I just a flea?
that won’t bite or die;
days lengthen and so do nights
go without toil,
while victors share the spoil,
I am lost in inner fights;
Do I have a place in the we
do I really belong any place at all
I ponder over nightly hours in the wee
without true pride is there no fall?
whatever I am is not for today,
may be tomorrow is my day.